im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
