She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
