chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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