If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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