Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
