btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
