i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
did i walk over a car last night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
