dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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