We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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