Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
