yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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