Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Floor bacon is actually really good
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
