Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My dick has a subreddit
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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