I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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