I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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