Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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