he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
