i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
