Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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