I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
