You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
