I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I cut my penus on the lid.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
