so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
