Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
