if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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