Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
