I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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