We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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