You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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