yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
