you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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