Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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