last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
