i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize