i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize