Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My balls are so social today.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
