the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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