Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
