I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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