I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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