The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
