so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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