So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
