There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize