Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have feelings that need drinking.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
