We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
