We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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