You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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