The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
