It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
