I wish life had little blips of pornography
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
