I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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