then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The air was thick with penises
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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