I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
