i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
