Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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