You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
