I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize