Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
