I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
